Something In The Water?

A midday ride to Randall’s Island. Came home. Looked for Marlee at the door. Not there. Not by the window or on my bed. Where could he be? My apartment isn’t that big.

I opened my closets.  Sometimes he sneaks in when I’m getting a jacket or pair of  shoes. Today he didn’t. Maybe he got out the door as I left. Checked the hallway, then all 12 flights of stairs. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I pushed through the doors, out to the sidewalk.  I hoped he hadn’t run out into the street or by the Metro North tracks. The thought of him under the 1:45 from Grand Central Station to Valhalla drove me to hysteria. That, or him wandering the streets—even though he’s a rescue cat, he’s spent practically no time outside in the 14 years since I adopted him.

Took the elevator up to my apartment. Maybe a drink, something to eat would jog my nonexistent psychic powers. There must be something in the water, Poland Spring to be exact: I heard mewling and saw him playing with a fish toy I bought him last week.

“This Is In The Bronx?!”

One of the wonderful things about cycling is that it connects you with wherever you are riding. Yet, sometimes, you can’t believe you are where you are.

That was how I felt on my first overseas bicycle tour, which took me to England and France.  I have also had that sensation any time I have experienced a new (to me) country, countryside, city or village—or, say, the ancient temples and shrines of Japan or Southeast Asia.

But, even as a jaded, crotchety woman in middle age, I don’t have to go far for that sense of wonder. I have experienced it without leaving my hometown of New York City or even the borough in which I live, whether it was Manhattan, Brooklyn or Queens, or is the Bronx.

As for the latter, I took my neighbor Sam, who has lived all of his life in the Bronx, onto paths past sights he never knew existed in his home turf. Today I pedaled to one of those areas, a peninsula between the (misnamed) East River and Long Island Sound.

There I met Helen, who wasn’t on a bike but was photographing houses that look like no others in this city:  They are more like fin de siecle beachside cottages.  And they stood behind a tall fence. The street leading to and around them stretched behind a gate—which, seemingly ignorant of the “No Trespassing—Private Property” sign beside it, yawned wide open.

“Wanna go through?” 

“What can they do? Chase us away?” I wondered.

So I wheeled La-Vande, my King of Mercia and she walked beside me. She is about half a foot shorter and more than a few pounds lighter than me—hardly an imposing figure—but somehow her presence emboldened me to do something—enter that gate—I wouldn’t have done alone.

About a hundred meters inside the gate, a man whom I guessed to be a bit older than me greeted us. Helen—who, as it turns out, is a freelance reporter—asked the man what he knew about the history of the place. Quite a bit, as it turned out.  So did the postal carrier who told us he lucked into that route as his “retirement gig.” “Have a good afternoon, ladies,” the older man bade us. 

That last detail stuck with me because later, Helen asked why I thought those men, and a few other people we encountered, were so friendly. After all, we were in a gated community—yes, in the Bronx—and had no business being there. “Well, we’re not causing any trouble,” I mused. Then, something else occurred to me. I am well into midlife and Helen, though seemingly younger, certainly is a grown woman. And, I added, “I am White and you are Asian.” While I don’t want to impute racism to people I don’t know, I couldn’t help but to notice that everyone we saw was White and middle-aged or older. So, Helen and I simply never stood out as we might have had we been two young Black men.

Don’t get me wrong: Both of us enjoyed our moment there.  “You don’t need to go on vacation with these views!” she marveled. And the architecture and history of that place are fascinating, all the more so because neither of us expected to see it in the Bronx.

Weathering The Storm

Why do we have pets? They teach us how to live!

Marlee is fifteen years old and has been with me for all except the first five months.  In the cat-to-human-years conversion, Marlee is—wait for it—about 15 years older than I am.  In other words, she’s considered “old.”

Accuse me of projecting if you like, but as long as I am in mid-life, so is she: I don’t know when either of our lives will end.

And she’s always teaching me something.  This weekend, she showed me how to ride out the Nor’easter:

The Race To Midlife

 I swear, I really did race. And it wasn’t that long ago. Really!

Midlife Rain

You’re not riding your bike today, are you?

I heard that question from two of my neighbors today.  To mess with one, I said, “Why not?” She looked at me in disbelief until I laughed. 

Actually, I had no intention of getting on my bike today. I woke to the first downpours and gusts of a “Nor’easter” that’s blowing through this area.  If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I’m not entirely adverse to wind and rain.  Still, there are some conditions under which I won’t start a ride unless I absolutely must.

The rain is falling, but the leaves are not, yet: autumn has just begun. 

This is a strange time, a strange situation. I have retired from university teaching, but I don’t feel old, or even older than I felt when I was still in the classroom. Of course, that was only four months ago: barely the blink of an eye when you’re in midlife but still long enough for change on top of change.

This reminds me, ironically, of my first days of teaching and my first days as a college student. In the eyes of some, I have a new title, a different status. Today I am “retired” and my days are less structured— or, at least, I am not following a schedule imposed by others. But how, if at all, have I changed as a person? I had the same question the first time someone called me “professor.” I felt uneasy, not only because I was only a teaching assistant (Everyone who teaches in a college is called “professor,” whether or not they have attended that rank.), but also because I knew that I wasn’t any smarter, wiser or even more accomplished in any other way,I than I was before that title was conferred on me. And during my first weeks as a college student, I knew, deep down, I really was no different from the person who graduated high school just a couple of months earlier.

The neighbors who asked whether I’d planned to ride my bike probably see me as “the bike rider” and know little, if anything else, about me. That is fine. I don’t remember when, exactly, I started referring to myself as a cyclist or, for that matter, a writer. Perhaps that is why those designations don’t seem so strange to me: They simply denote things I had been doing, as “woman,” female pronouns and my name identity what ai had known about myself long before I claimed them.

The rain is falling, but the leaves are not. It’s still autumn, if early in the season. I didn’t ride today, but I am still a cyclist. And as long as I keep on, I am in midlife.

Layers of Exposure

 I’ve dressed the same way nearly every day since my last class, in May: shorts, top, sneakers. I did the same this morning: To my knowledge, the post office—my first destination this morning—has no dress code.  The forces that make the weather also write no such mandates. But they let me know, just a few steps from my building, that the season had changed and I wasn’t dressed for it!

So, when I went for a ride, I added a flannel zip hoodie to my attire. In addition to its coziness, it offered another advantage: I didn’t have to wear sunscreen, at least on my arms. Perhaps I should’ve worn some on my face, but I don’t seem to have burned—and I felt the brisk wind, into which I pedaled through Van Cortlandt Park, skipping against my cheeks. I think I needed that.

From Cyxling Without Age

What Does That Number Mean, Anyway?

 

Photo illustration by Sarina Finkelstein for Money magazine.

“Age is just a number.” Because of that number, I am classified as part of an age cohort and Generation (yes, with a capital G). But, my life philosophy—and the premise of this blog—is based on my belief that as long as I don’t know when I am going to die, I am in the middle of my life.

So, to invoke something a nun taught me (and a roomful of other kids) many years ago, a number—whether it’s age, income, the temperature or anything else—may not have a denotation, but we certainly give it a connotation or, in some cases many connotations 

For example,  a temperature of 10C (50F) doesn’t, by itself, mean much. But in my part of the world, it’s an unusually warm day in January or too cold for July.  And so it is with age:  35 is the youngest at which someone can become the US president, but by that age, gymnasts’ careers are long past. Heck, Eddy Merckx retired from bicycle racing two years before that milestone.

As for my age: Three days after my most recent birthday—which was also the 17th anniversary of my gender affirmation surgery—I was older than my maternal grandmother when she passed away. And today a former student, whom I taught during the last year I lived and worked as a man, celebrated a birthday. She is now as many years old as I was when she was in my class—in the Fall of 2002

When Jennifer (So many women around her age share that name!) was my student, almost anybody would have described her as “young” because of her age, which was typical of college students. I was at an age most people would have described as “middle.” I was, in the sense that I had experiences and knowledge even, if I do say so myself, I was “well-preserved” physically. But, in a sense, I was either very old or very young, in the sense that I knew full well that I was near the end of the life I’d been living and on the threshold of becoming who I am.

She is, in some ways (that I am aware of, anyway), if not older, then at least more evolved than I was at her age: She is aware of what she loves and needs in ways I was just learning. And she resisted pressures to follow a particular educational and career path in favor of one that aligns more closely with her skills and desires. I wouldn’t do anything like that until I was well past the age she was when I met her.

My grandmother, on the other hand, was a very old woman long before she reached my age. Her body began to break down, from a combination of genetics, poverty and lack of self- and other kinds of care, long before she reached Jennifer’s current age or mine when I met Jennifer. She nearly went blind a few years before she passed; she turned to the then-still-experimental technique of laser surgery (which her insurance wouldn’t pay for) in desperation. Thankfully, the procedure restored enough of her sight that she could do most of what she could do before, albeit with thick glasses.

So, what does the number of years we’ve been on this planet say about us? At my current age, I am old enough to have lived in a senior citizens’ building for more than two years. To many of my neighbors, however, I am a “kid.” My grandmother would almost surely see me the same way. When I was Jennifer’s age, I had been an adult, at least in the eyes of the law, for decades while she, as a student, had been one only a few years. But I was in a similar situation to hers in one way:  almost ready to embark upon a life based upon what I want and need rather than others’ expectations.

In other words, she and I were and are in the middle of our lives. So was my grandmother: Even as the rest of her body deteriorated, her sight was restored. She probably had no idea of how much more she would see, just as neither Jennifer nor I know how many days and experiences await us.

On Its Way: Autumn

  Autumn comes (sorry, James Wright) or Summer ends, depending on your point of view, at 20:05 EDT tomorrow.

I don’t, however, need a calendar or almanac to tell me that. My ride this afternoon did plenty: The nip in the air hadn’t turned into a chill but was enough to remind me that I won’t be riding in shorts or short sleeves for much longer.  

Also, the view from Baretto Park toward North Brother Island (where “Typhoid Mary”:was involuntarily held) and Manhattan portended, not only earlier sunsets, but the sky drawing a darkening, rumpling cloak against cold and darkness it cannot—will not?—stop. 

Does It Come With Unequal Pay?

 Sometimes women really do all of the work in a relationship.

How Do You Measure Your Ride?

 J. Alfed Prufrock laments, “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” It seems that some of my neighbors measure out, or at least schedule, their lives by doctors’ appointments. I promised myself I wouldn’t because, although I am living in a senior citizens’ building, I am not old; I am, ahem, in midlife, just a bit further along.

Yesterday I broke that promise. Well, all right, I didn’t measure my life by doctors’ appointments: I scheduled my bike ride around one.  To Randall’s Island and back on Tosca, my beloved Mercian fixie, after a breakfast and before a lunch I couldn’t eat because my appointment would include blood work.

I’d planned to ride some more after my appointment.  But when I got home, Marlee beckoned. A cuddle turned into a nap, which turned into real, deep sleep. Could I really have been so tired after riding only 25:kilometers? Have I become old, but without the poetry T.S. Eliot put in Prufrock’s mouth?

Carrie tried to call me a couple of times last night. She figured I was asleep and asked how my doctor’s appointment went. When I mentioned that the phlebotomist took five vials of my blood, she exclaimed, “No wonder you were so tired!”

It had been a while since any of my blood had been drawn. Did I drift into dreamsville? Or am I getting old, I mean, later in midlife?

As long as I’m not measuring my life in coffee spoons or doctors’ appointments—or anything else, really—I will be in the middle of my life. Measurements lead to comparisons, sometimes with the wrong people, for the wrong reasons. That’s not living your own life, in whatever way you choose. So what if I rode only 25 kilometers before my doctor’s appointment? That’s just one ride, one day among many in the middle of my life.

Midlife Changes

 

As I mentioned yesterday, Bruce Gerencser’s blog has been one of my regular reads for nearly a decade. For one thing, I enjoy his writing style, which I cannot emulate. For another, I admire his learnedness and sheer integrity. He was part of Evangelical churches almost from birth through the next fifty years 

and was a pastor for twenty-five of them. Like many clergy and lay members of such churches, he was a conservative Republican though, he says, that slowly changed. So did the way he defined and preached his Christianity.

The latter had much to do with his study of the Bible—about 20,000 hours’ worth, by his own reckoning. Finally, he left Christianity and faith altogether. As you can imagine, he has received many dismissive and even threatening letters and e-mails from self-professed Christians. Some say he was studying the wrong way. Others  say that it was a “midlife crisis” and he should get over it. Still others accuse him of becoming an atheist and humanist for personal glory or  monetary reasons.

From what I know of him, through reading his blog and corresponding with him, none of those charges make any sense. First of all, what is the “right” way to read or study the Bible, or to worship? As for fame and glory: Although the United States is nominally a secular country, religion, and Christianity in particular, is central to many of our institutions and people’s lives. So I don’t think becoming an atheist improved anyone’s social or economic standing. 

So, was he having a “midlife crisis?” Perhaps. If he was, so were many other people who changed their opinions or way of life based on what they’ve learned.  An example is how Gloria Steinem viewed transgender people. Like other second-wave feminists during the 1970s and 1980s, she was critical of us and said some of us chose gender reassignment surgery because of rigid gender roles imposed by patriarchy. Later, however, she publicly changed her stance, recognizing that transgenders and feminists share many of the same goals, including bodily autonomy and dismantling the very gender norms she previously believed to be the reason why we underwent surgery and other changes. 

People who changed their opinions are often accused of being weak “flip-floppers” or, worse, opportunists. If anything, I respect them for having the courage to continue learning and evolving, even doing so may result in a great personal cost. (I think also of how his pilgrimage to Mecca changed the way Malcolm X saw his faith, causing him to leave the Nation of Islam. Some say it led to his assassination.) They are nothing like those who abandon principles or, worse, betray those who loved and  trusted them only for personal gain. That is the opposite of integrity.

In brief, I have the utmost respect for people who are willing to learn and, if need be, change their behavior, beliefs or ways of life in the middle of their lives. There are many such people whose names I will never know. But I am glad that others, like Malcolm, Gloria—and Bruce—have given us, in one form or another, accounts of their journeys.

Perhaps they did, after all, have a “midlife crisis.” But sometimes a “crisis” is exactly what we need to become better, or at least more authentic, versions of ourselves.

On Our Bikes

 Bruce Gerncser’s blog has become one of my regular reads over the past decade or so. 

In a recent post, “Me and My Bike, he wrote, “I rode my bike everywhere:  school, work, ball practice, roller skating, fishing, to the swimming pool and everyplace else I wanted to go.” But his bike wasn’t just a means of transportation:  “On my bike I was free of my mom’s manic behavior and my father’s indifference.” I can relate to that:  Whatever mental health I had, or still have, is attributable to riding whatever bikes I have had.

I will write more about Bruce—and another person I’ve mentioned recently—in an upcoming post.

Bike Face

 Have you ever ridden your bike just to do this?:

Riding And Remembering

 Yesterday I pedaled to Point Lookout. The ride takes me from the Botanical Garden through concrete canyons to houses on small patches of land in Queens and, finally, a peninsula bounded by the ocean and bay that looks more like a New England seaside idyllic than part of suburban sprawl.

Today’s ride was very different, from the Bronx all the way downtown in Manhattan.  Ironically, I left my apartment without a set itinerary, in contrast to yesterday’s trip, in which I followed a route, with slight variations, I’d taken many times before.

Today started cool but turned summer-like as the afternoon progressed. High clouds drifted across a blue sky. Many streets were closed off for what I believe is the last of “Open Streets” Saturday, in which motor vehicles are prohibited, and for various street fairs. But everywhere I looked, streets teemed with pedestrians and cyclists.

Twenty-five years ago yesterday, hijackers crashed two passenger airliners into the World Trade Center. The day after, from what I’m told, areas of Manhattan removed from the scene were all but empty, the silence interrupted only by ambulances and other emergency vehicles.  I said “I”m told” because I was living in Park Slope, Brooklyn, and no one was except police, firefighters and other emergency workers were allowed to enter Manhattan.

It would have been difficult, I imagine, for people I saw today, many of whom weren’t yet born on 9/11, to imagine how different the city looked from the one they were enjoying today. And I guess some, like me, who witnessed it firsthand or were nearby and experienced the immediate aftermath, couldn’t imagine or not imagine it whether or not we want to:  smoke wafts and screams echo in our minds, in our nightmares.

The festive atmosphere along downtown streets where people’s worlds were shaken twenty-five years ago reminded me of the first time I visited Place de la Concorde: On that pleasant June day in one of the world’s most elegant public squares, it was difficult, though not impossible, to recall accounts of the square filled with blood (because the drains were to small to carry it away) from the 1100 people guillotined there during the Reign of Terror.

One important difference between today and my first time in Paris was that there were no living witnesses to the Reign of Terror. Anyone who thinks about it knows about it the way I do: from written accounts, art and perhaps what they were taught in school. The day will come when the same holds true for 9/11. For now, many of us still can remember, whether or not we want to—even during a pleasant afternoon bike ride.

Twenty-Five Years Later

 

Today I pedaled to Point Lookout and back. I wasn’t trying to forget what happened 25 years ago today: I couldn’t have, even if I wanted to. 

Ships were docked beyond the South Shore beaches. They are more than likely research vessels, but I couldn’t keep from wondering whether they were defending against some kind of “commemoration” or “celebration.” After all, while I didn’t see much traffic on my way out and very few other cyclists, or even casual strollers, along the Rockaway and Long Beach boardwalks, cops seemed to be everywhere. Some, of course, were on their way to or from 9/11 commemorations, as many fellow officers died that day.  But I wondered whether some were deployed as deterrents even though, I suspect, someone wouldn’t have launched an attack today: it would be too obvious. But, hey, what do I know about such things?

Riding today was a sort of commemoration for me. I didn’t know anyone who died in the Twin Towers, but I knew people who did. I can’t help but to think it changed the dynamics of, or ended altogether, relationships between those who lost someone and those who didn’t.  I have lost friends and relatives, sometimes in unexpected ways, but I don’t think they compare to someone going to work and never coming home.  Also, I believe there must have been a particular shock in knowing how those parents, siblings, neighbors and friends experienced their last moments: Who anticipates dying in that way?

Today I realized that, perhaps, 9/11 has been part of the changes in how I ride. While cycle-commuting wasn’t as popular in New York as it is now, some of the people who died that day took their last rides to their desks, tables or other work places in the Towers. Some were making deliveries. 

Perhaps as a result about the bikes that survived even if their riders didn’t, I don’t stress as much as I used to about a ride going “perfectly,” whatever that means. If my bike feels good under me and I’m enjoying the ride, whether I’m on a commute, errand or “joy” ride, that’s all that matters. If it’s not cold and raining at the same time, the weather is fine. (The planes that struck the Towers flew through the most preternaturally clear blue skies I, or many other people, had seen in New York City.) I don’t know whether the ride I take  tomorrow, or twenty or fifty years from now, will be my last. But if I can ride, and I can savor it afterwards, I have a gift, whether or not I deserve it, denied to so many other people on that terrible day 25 years ago.

This Isn’t What They Mean By “Going Green”

What I see during rides is a surprising —and sometimes shocking.

Witness this, from a recent late-afternoon ride:

A puddle with its own ecosystem?

The Abbey Road Ahead

 ht

Is it nostalgia? Or does it mean I haven’t given up? Jo

I am pondering those questions as I’m listening to “Abbey Road,” specifically “Something.”

When “Abbey Road,” I was a couple of years shy of the demographic that made it one of the most iconic albums of all time. Still, whatever your age, you heard its most popular songs, like “Come Together,” “Something “ and “Here Comes The Sun” on the radio in 1969. The album is great because of its songwriting, musicianship and the sheer charisma of “The Fab Four.” But it’s also a reminder—or, at least it reminds me—of how what some would see as idle whimsicality is as necessary as analysis. Actually, rationality has nowhere to go without imagination.  

The album also reminds me that cynicism is not to be confused with wisdom, and it’s not naive to believe that joy is still possible. If anything, it might simply be an act of defiance: It’s not about not letting go, it’s about not allowing something to be taken from you.

That is not nostalgia. It’s what we need to move forward or, more precisely, what’s necessary to make the journey, whatever remains of it (personally or globally) meaningful.

An Old-School Visionary

 The Book of Ecclesiastes (1:9) reminds us that there is nothing new under the sun.

In earlier posts, I wrote about “bike libraries” as if they were some new, visionary idea. Turns out, someone created and operated one siglehandedly more than 40 years ago.  And Charles Kuralt used that exact phrase to describe it.

The best part is that the man in charge—Jethro Mann, who died at 96 in 2013–wasn’t running it as a nonprofit organization.  He did all of the work—from “rescuing” discarded bicycles, repairing them (or, sometimes, grafting parts from several bikes onto others), loaning them and keeping records (on paper) when kids took them out and returned them.

He also did something else that seemed revolutionary when organizations like “Recycle a Bicycle” started doing it about 20 years ago:  He turned his space into a kind of community center where kids not only learned how to fix flats and other problems; they also showed kids younger than themselves how to do the same.

While doing all of that, hemodeled kindness and respect and expected his benefactors to do the same. He, whose day job was with the state of North Carolina, definitely would not have a place in the Trump Administration or the MAGA movement.

Oh, and while fixing bikes and helping kids—most of whom were poor and African-American—he wore overalls over a dress shirt and tie.  And a fedora.  When was the last time you saw that?

Whatever his age, he would have been in the middle of his life, and life itself. I would have loved to meet him, even as the snotty young thing I was.

Was This His Weekend Plan?

 Tomorrow is Labor Day here in the US.

Some people are going to the beach one last time.

Some are cycling there.

Not many, I reckon, are combining those activities.

Who—Or What—Is Next?

 It’s been said that the deaths of famous people come in threes. Within the past two weeks, we lost two of the most amazing women: Dolly Parton and Gloria Steinem.  Some (including me) would count Tim Curry, who died the same day as Dolly. Others might Robin Morgan, who passed yesterday, in the group. Perhaps we should make it four:  In Japanese and other cultures, the number is associated with death.

Strange times we’re in (as if we weren’t before). One of my neighbors, whom I usually encountered while smoking with other neighbors just outside our building, has kicked the habit. That’s a good thing, of course (unless you have stock in Philip-Morris), but the circumstances that brought him to that decision weren’t delightful:  While in a store, he started gasping and was rushed to the emergency room.  Oh, and someone else I know was ordered to the hospital immediately when tests revealed liver damage.

Somehow I knew change was gonna come (apologies to Sam Cooke) as I set out for Point Lookout, a ride I have taken many times. The weather was almost too perfect:  temperature-wise, more like a day later in this month or even next month, preternaturally blue skies and white, puffy clouds. Waves rolled in, echoing streams of flapping egrets’ wings. Perhaps it had to do with hearing, before I set out to ride, about a news item about an event to commemorate the 25th anniversary of 9/11. Like almost everybody else who lived through that day, I remember how beautiful it was right before the planes flew toward the towers: much like yesterday.

Movies and TV programs never show disasters happening on days like yesterday or, for that matter, 11 September 2001. But the times before, if not the disaster itself, then the loss of innocence, always seem to be idyllic, even Edenic, shown through a scrim, or perhaps a gauze, of dreamlike haze. Even the sunset, when seen through that mist, wispy clouds drifting about, does not seem to portend the coming of the moment when it all becomes a memory—and nobody in the scene knows what’s coming. The audience does, but they can’t tell.