Why Do I Have A Cat?

This is why I have a cat:

What's In A Name?

 If you live in the English-speaking world, you almost certainly call someone you know "Mike."  Chances are, he's a boy or man named Michael.

So, if "Mike" is short for "Michael:"

The Chains Of Freedom

 At one time in my life, I knew just enough German to get myself in trouble in Cologne. Still, it’s more than I know now. So, I have to accept it on the authority of someone I know—a German soaker—that Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels didn’t actually write “Workers of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains.”  Rather, the last line is more properly translated as, “Proletarians of the world, unite!”  The second part, “you have nothing to lose but your chains,” was added in a translation Engels approved.

Another aphorism commonly and mistakenly attributed to the authors of the Communist Manifesto is, “The truth shall set you free.” While they may have agreed with it, they—or, at least Marx—would not have approved of its source:  the Bible, specifically, John 8:31-32.

It is therefore interesting to speculate about what they would have made of this:

Somehow I think they would recognize that the bicycle has liberated poor and working people—or, at least, given them mobility and even pleasure.

I know I have always felt freer while spinning my chains!

Fuel Efficiency

 Today is Cinco de Mayo.

So, of course, I am going to ride--and eat Mexican food.  Which Mexican food(s), I haven't decided yet.

But I think this T-shirt might influence my choice:

The Real Uses Of Bike Tools

Do you have a Campagnolo corkscrew?

Or a Park Tool pizza cutter?

Or a Maillard Helicomatic freewheel remover with a built-in bottle opener?

Well, then, you are misguided.  A real cyclist knows you don't need food- (or drink-) specific utensils:

I mean, you can eat pizza with a bicycle fork.  Right?

Well, all right:  As a New Yorker of Italian heritage, I would never, ever use anything besides my fingers to handle  Neopolitan or Sicilian slices. (A person of my background also does not allow any sort of topping on her pizza.  Pineapples?  Barbecued beef?  They're like chocolate chips in a bagel, as far as I'm concerned.)

So what do you eat with your cone wrench?

The Way I Am—Or The Way I Go?

Is this a synonym for “bike lane”?

Bike Berry

If I were teaching English to native French speakers, I might tell them that the best equivalent we have to "c'est la vie" is "that's life in the big city."  In other words, it's a way of acknowledging that one sometimes has to live with minor annoyances, disturbances or inconveniences. 

On 7 June, a boy showed that his life really is not that of the big city.  And some gendarmes showed they are not working in a major, or even mid-sized, urban area.

Ironically, the name of the municipality where the boy resides, and those police officers work, is called Vienna.  Of course, it's not the city such luminaries as Mozart, Freud and Einstein--and Arnold Schwarznegger--called home. (Contrary to popular belief, none of those folks was born there.)  Rather, I am referring to a town in Virginia.

I'd heard of it before, but I didn't realize that it's a suburb of Washington, DC.  (I've been to the US capital a few times, but never ventured outside of the city itself.)  Given the crime the boy in question reported to his town's law enforcement officers, it's hard to believe that such a place is less than an hour from DC--by bicycle, no less.

So what was the young man's complaint?  Here goes:  Another boy smeared berries on his bicycle.

Can you imagine someone reporting that to the police in New York or Boston or San Francisco?  Hey, if I were answering that kid's call, I'd probably tell him to lace it with whipped cream, drizzle it with chocolate sauce and top it with the reddest cherry he could find.  Then I'd photograph it and call it an art installation.  The kid could thank me later, years later, when it pays for his college tuition.

Berry on bicycle (Halle, of course!)

Now that would really be "life in the big city"!

Make Sure You Have An Appetite!

I'm going for a bike ride--to work up an appetite for today's gorge-fest.

Happy Thanksgiving!

When Passing Other Cyclists....

It's one thing when motorists cut us off, swear at us or otherwise behave badly.

It irks me even more, though, when cyclists are inconsiderate toward each other.

With that in mind, some folks in Merrie Olde England have made a video about something only they can teach us:  How To Be A Gentleman/Lady Cyclists.



Most of the suggestions are commonsensical:  pointing out road hazards, giving a boost to someone who's lagging and helping out with repairs. I had to laugh, though, at the bit about sharing food--including Pringles!  And, after offering suggestions in that oh-so-British understated way, we're told that, ahem, we shouldn't pass wind as we pass each other.

Oh, and don't forget to bring your wallet!

The Shimano Dance?

Today's Shimano Ultegra components trace their lineage to the "600" derailleurs introduced in 1975.  The following year, a complete "600" groupset was introduced.  Two years later, an iteration of them appeared with some fancy scrolls and engravings.

Shimano offered this groupset, called the "600 EX Arabesque" until 1984.  It was good stuff, especially for its time, except for one thing:  the headset required a special tool to adjust it.  Apparently, some Shimano marketing person thought the lace and filigree engraved into the other components would be difficult to replicate on a headset.  So, that person figured the best way to distinguish the headset was to shape the locknut like those scrolls. Still, it was a good headset: At least, the one I had served me well.

(Can you imagine Dee-Lilah, my fancy-lugged Mercian Vincitore Special, with an Arabesque groupset?  Maybe that would be a bit much, aesthetically.)

Anyway, even with all those fancy scrolls engraved into the parts, I have always thought "Arabesque" was an odd name for a line of bike components.  I wonder who their intended audience was.  Perhaps it included someone like her:

Torment In The Torrent

I recently taught Dante's Inferno.  In it, Hell is divided into nine circles, each reserved for particular kinds of sinners and each with its own punishments.

(As best as I can tell, I'd end up in the third ring of the seventh circle.  But I digress.)

One thing that has always struck me about the punishments meted out in each part of Dante's Hell is that they are not only retributive (at least, according to notions of divine justice prevailing in his time);  they are also meant to torment those who are sentenced.  At least, that is how it seemed to me.

Sometimes it seems that the torment is worse than the punishment itself.  I think it's because the resulting pain, humiliation and embarrassment endure for even longer than any physical torture.  Plus, folks whom you believed to be friends or allies--or, at least, fellow travelers--will pepper you with "witty" comments or taunt you with laughter.

At least, that was the experience related described Dublin-based writer Cal McGhee in his Broken Bicycle Blues.  As if it weren't bad enough to get thrown from his bike into a parked car, all of his attempts to call would-be rescuers failed:  The Vodafone customer you are calling is not accessible at the moment.

Oh, but it gets worse:  He starts to walk his bike in the pouring rain.  He doesn't get very far when the "innards of the back tyre unravel and intertwine with the wheel, rendering it absolutely 'bolloxed'."  So, unable to roll his bicycle alongside him, he has to carry his machine--until he no longer can.  

Then, "not equipped with any weaponry," he saws at the tire with a key in an attempt to cut the tire off.  But that key proved no match for the tire and snapped in half.

That key was--you guessed it--his bike key.

Having endured the ordeal of flat tire, crash, broken key and the jeers of other cyclists who passed him, he finally reaches home, where he is "greeted by the beaming smile of a child."  He reaches out to embrace the tyke when he notices how grungy he is and stops himself.

"That's how I died," he informs us.

He asks that no flowers be brought to the funeral.  Instead, he requests donations that can go to "an experimental business heralding a new regime" in which "cyclists in peril" will be "rescued and fed curry sauce until they are restored to full health."

Will that ease the torment of other cyclist seeing him walking and carrying his bike?

Prepositional Delivery

When teaching English to non-native speakers, it's the little words that are the most difficult.  In particular, prepositions can be really pesky:  They don't translate exactly, if at all, from one language to another.  I still don't know how to explain why someone lives in Queens but on Long Island.

Likewise, why do postal carriers deliver on bicycles, but whatever they bring arrives by bicycle?

Well...at least we know they're not delivering in a bicycle--though the letters, cards, bills and such might be in a bike when they arrive.  At least, in a bike like this:

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

May the light shine on your season!

Above all, have a safe journey!

Reserved For Birds And Angels

A bishop and a professor were discussing philosophy.  (I know, it sounds like the beginning of a really geeky joke!)  

The bishop averred that The Millennium was at hand.  Evidence of that, he said, was that everything about nature had been discovered and all useful inventions created. 

The professor politely told the bishop he was mistaken.  "Why, in a few years," he proclaimed, "we'll be able to fly through the air."

The bishop was having none of it.  "What a nonsensical idea!," he exclaimed.  "Flight," he tried to assure the professor, "is reserved for birds and angels."  Being the good bishop he was, he added, "To think otherwise is blasphemy!"

This story is rich with irony.  The encounter between the suffragan and the savant occurred late in the nineteenth century.  So, whether or not he intended it, the professor was as much a seer as a sage.  The diocesan, on the other hand, sounded more like a die-hard Luddite.

The name of the professor has been lost to history.  But the bishop achieved some degree of fame in his time, having attained a rather high office in the Church of the United Brethren in Christ, whose members included some rather influential Americans in a number of endeavors.

This bishop's sons were among them.  They first made something of a name for themselves in the bicycle business, which was would experience its first great boom not long after the bishop made his pronouncement. 

Today we know that bishop's name mainly because of his sons.  Even if you have never been anywhere near a bicycle, you've heard of them.  Since you already know their names, whether or not you know it, I will tell you who that esteemed ecclesiastical authority was:  someone named Milton Wright.

Yes, his two sons were those Wrights.  Of course, they achieved even greater fame--though not fortune--for doing what their father said couldn't be done.  Yes, Orville and Wilbur got to do what all kids, at some point in their lives, try (and, some would argue, need) to do:  They proved their father wrong.  He didn't deny it, but he never seemed terribly impressed.  

But, in one sense, he was right (pun intended):  Humans cannot fly--without some sort of device or other aid, anyway.  Even on a bicycle.

With that in mind, I have found the perfect headgear for him, his sons and everyone else, whether or not they've ever pedaled on the velodrome:

A Bike For The Zombie Apocalypse

Emergency preparedness makes sense.  All you need to know are which emergencies you need to prepare for and how to go about preparing.

Now, I'm not going to give you advice about either. I can no more predict what sorts of emergencies or disasters are likely to happen than I can turn carbon fiber into gold.  But, apparently, there are folks who make their living (or at least a pretty good supplemental income) of telling people what disaster is most likely to strike and how to prepare for it. Some think that the disaster will be the result of a war with China or some coalition of Islamic fundamentalists.    Others think that the next economic crash will trigger a breakdown in the social order.  Still others think the cataclysm will be natural, such as solar flares or climate change. 

(For what it's worth, I'd probably pick climate change, which might in turn cause societal breakdowns, which in turn could lead to wars.  But, as I said, I have absolutely no predictive powers.)

One thing I find interesting is that nearly all survivalists, however they think the apocalypse will come, believe that a bicycle is an important part of any "survival tool kit".  That makes sense when you realize that bikes will be among the few ways we'll be able to get around if fuel supplies or their distribution networks are destroyed.  But, of course, if the world comes to an end, the bike shops won't be open and, I imagine, online retailers won't be able to do business.   So I've begun to stock tires, tubes, cables, lubes and, yes, even a spare Brooks Pro along with the crates of canned food, bottled water and cases of wine. ;-)

Seriously, though:  Bicycles will be useful, but not only as transportation.  They can also help you defend against marauding packs of thugs--and zombies.

Yes, there is a bike designed to defend against zombies:

It's actually a pretty clever design, as the motor powers the front wheel as well as the chainsaw. So, I imagine, one could rev the bike up to a pretty decent speed, whether for attacking or defending.  Now as to how effective the chainsaw would be against attacking zombies...I dunno.

As for rigging one up or actually using it, all I can say is "Don't try this at home."  That is, if you still have a home when the zombies take over. 

On The Eve Of The Eve

This is the night before Christmas Eve.  Some time in my childhood, I heard that this is the night Santa gets his reindeer fleet ready to bring Christmas presents to everyone in the world (well, everybody who's been good, anyway) at exactly midnight.

Did those preparation involve polishing Rudolph's nose?  Checking its battery or whatever makes it shine?  No one ever explained that to me.  For that matter, I never heard much explanation of anything involving Christmas.

I'm not complaining.  I was told stranger things as a child and things stranger still--in fact, outright implausible--as an adult.  No one explained those things, either.

Whatever the story is about Santa and the reindeer, I know lots of people are getting ready for tomorrow night in various ways.  I saw a couple preparing their steeds. They did not want to be photographed, but their steeds had no say in the matter:

Any restaurant or other establishment that delivers food is going to be very, very busy tomorrow night.  That includes the guys who ride these bikes--for Sanfords Restaurant, just two blocks from my apartment.  

I actually saw one changing the battery in his "blinkie".  Would Rudolph have one on his nose if the story were being concocted today?  Would there be LEDs inside his nasal globe?  And would he need something on his tail as well?  After all, most places require that vehicles have front and rear lights.  Hmm...Is a reindeer a vehicle?  If so, would it be road, off-road or something else?  700C, 650B, 26 X whatever or a 29er?

Evolutionary Cycling Gifts

We all know that cyclists are the highest form of humanity.  We are the ne plus ultra of evolution.  

This is not a biased opinion.  It's cold, hard scientific fact--or, at least, a very well-founded theory.  I have evidence:

 



That T-shirt can be found on Zazzle, where I also found this poster:


 


among other fun and interesting cycling gifts.

Hmm...Is it hypocritical of me to promote the purchase of gifts the day after I wrote a diatribe against Black Friday?  If it is, I'm sorry:  I'm human--though the most evolved sort because I am, after all, a cyclist.;-)

I Bought It Anyway

Even though I have never, ever wanted what this ad promised, I bought the product. In fact, I bought it several times, for several bikes.