Faster Than A (Not) Speeding OJ

 It’s ironic that California, where American car culture was born, was the location of the world’s most famous slow-speed chase—which, some argue, was also the birth of another unfortunate phenomenon: “reality” TV.

Now, I know that two instances of something doesn’t make a trend, especially if those instances are nearly three decades apart. Oh, and the pursuit of O.J. Simpson involved automobiles in the L.A. (no American calls it “Los Angeles”) area, and the chase in this video took place in the northern community of  Brentwood. 

The police were in their car when they followed their suspect, who was riding a bicycle—not much slower, I believe, than OJ drove his Ford Bronco.

Did He Ride Hands-Free?

I've done all sorts of things on a bicycle that, until I did them, I wouldn't have thought possible.

And I've done most of the things most people do but would never admit to doing.  Among them are at least one  most people will admit to having done during puberty or even in their teen years, but not as an adult.

I think you know where this is going.

The things I've done that most people won't admit to having done aren't all things I've done on a bicycle.  In fact, it never even occurred to me to try one of those things while astride two wheels.

Hint:  It's something that shocks people when they catch someone doing it precisely because they know they themselves have done it but would never own up to it.

It was a cause of consternation for me when, as a teenager, I was supposed to watch for shoplifters in the Alexander's department store where I was working.  

When I heard some suspicious rustling in the next aisle over--women's wear--I was ready to spring into action. The man in the aisle indeed had a pair of silky panties in his hand.  But he wasn't stuffing them into a bag or his pocket:  Filling the latter would have been difficult, as his pants were pulled down.  So were his underpants. 

As extensive as Alexander's employee training was, it didn't teach us how to deal with a man masturbating in the lingerie aisle.  Being the teenager I was, I was tempted to say something snarky (or that my young mind would have thought clever).  Instead, I called a security guard who dragged the guy away and called the cops.  

I'm guessing that the guy was charged with public lewdness, or some such thing--even though the "public", as far as I know, consisted only of that security guard and myself.

I hadn't thought about the incident in a long time.  A news story that came my way brought it back to mind, and with it, a question I never thought I'd ask:  What would I do if I saw someone masturbating on a bicycle?  Oh, and what if I were a cop and caught someone in the act?

I'm sure there must be something in police academy training that covers, if not such a specific incidence, then at least what to do if a person is pleasuring him or her self in public.  

That is the situation an off-duty police  officer in Macomb County, Michigan (near Detroit) faced recently. She was jogging on an asphalt trail in a county park when she "observed a very tall man in gray pants riding a mountain bike and fondling his genitals in full view of the public."  According to that same report, about half an hour later, another woman saw the same man "on his bike with his penis exposed."

Did he ride hands-free?

The man, William Benjamin Brown, was charged with two counts of "aggravated indecent exposure," which could bring him a two-year prison sentence.

Here's what I'd like to know:  Did he ride hands-free?  Or did he use one hand  to keep a straight line and the other to wiggle?

Disguised For A Naked Bike Ride

Naked Bike Rides are held in London and a number of other cities every year.

Some riders paint their bodies, while others get onto their bikes the way they came into this world, except bigger.  The only requirements seem to be that participants are riding a bicycle and not wearing clothes.

I am sure at least a few riders cover themselves as soon as the ride ends.  Somehow, though, I doubt that any have done what a man in Wilton Manors, Florida did.



The unidentified chap was riding, naked, down a local street.  Police were called.

Then the guy entered a local store, put on an article of clothing and told an employee he was trading the bicycle for the garment.  

Oh, but it gets even better:  When he got outside, he took off the article of clothing and exposed himself to passerby.  

The cops showed up.  He wouldn't give his name.  And the constables couldn't ID him because, well, he didn't have any ID on him.  After all, we don't come into this world with a musette bag.

He was arrested and charged with "lewd and lascivious conduct" and "obstruction by disguised person."

That second charge, I don't understand  Then again, since most of us wear clothes most of the time, I guess going au naturel could be a "disguise."  After all, there aren't many people who know what most of us look like without our clothes on.

Now, if the guy had kept the bike, he could have finished his ride naked--and, perhaps, evaded the cops!  And he wouldn't have needed to disguise himelf.