Did He Ride Hands-Free?

I've done all sorts of things on a bicycle that, until I did them, I wouldn't have thought possible.

And I've done most of the things most people do but would never admit to doing.  Among them are at least one  most people will admit to having done during puberty or even in their teen years, but not as an adult.

I think you know where this is going.

The things I've done that most people won't admit to having done aren't all things I've done on a bicycle.  In fact, it never even occurred to me to try one of those things while astride two wheels.

Hint:  It's something that shocks people when they catch someone doing it precisely because they know they themselves have done it but would never own up to it.

It was a cause of consternation for me when, as a teenager, I was supposed to watch for shoplifters in the Alexander's department store where I was working.  

When I heard some suspicious rustling in the next aisle over--women's wear--I was ready to spring into action. The man in the aisle indeed had a pair of silky panties in his hand.  But he wasn't stuffing them into a bag or his pocket:  Filling the latter would have been difficult, as his pants were pulled down.  So were his underpants. 

As extensive as Alexander's employee training was, it didn't teach us how to deal with a man masturbating in the lingerie aisle.  Being the teenager I was, I was tempted to say something snarky (or that my young mind would have thought clever).  Instead, I called a security guard who dragged the guy away and called the cops.  

I'm guessing that the guy was charged with public lewdness, or some such thing--even though the "public", as far as I know, consisted only of that security guard and myself.

I hadn't thought about the incident in a long time.  A news story that came my way brought it back to mind, and with it, a question I never thought I'd ask:  What would I do if I saw someone masturbating on a bicycle?  Oh, and what if I were a cop and caught someone in the act?

I'm sure there must be something in police academy training that covers, if not such a specific incidence, then at least what to do if a person is pleasuring him or her self in public.  

That is the situation an off-duty police  officer in Macomb County, Michigan (near Detroit) faced recently. She was jogging on an asphalt trail in a county park when she "observed a very tall man in gray pants riding a mountain bike and fondling his genitals in full view of the public."  According to that same report, about half an hour later, another woman saw the same man "on his bike with his penis exposed."

Did he ride hands-free?

The man, William Benjamin Brown, was charged with two counts of "aggravated indecent exposure," which could bring him a two-year prison sentence.

Here's what I'd like to know:  Did he ride hands-free?  Or did he use one hand  to keep a straight line and the other to wiggle?

How Not To Burgle

There are all sorts of things you can do on a bicycle, and I encourage most of them.  

Not included on that list is burglary.  Now, I don't recommend stealing in any circumstance, but if you must go to other people's homes and businesses and take their stuff, I don't recommend that you do it on a bicycle.

For one thing, it makes the rest of us in the cycling community look bad.

For another, in most places--at least in the US--you would be easy to identify and track down.  Bicycles are not, as yet, the preferred "getaway" vehicle for criminals.  So you would stand out as much as if you were as tall as an NBA player or wide as an NFL player.

And, even if you have a mountain or "fat" bike with studded tires, don't ride your bike in the snow to rob people's homes, stores, offices or warehouses.  Actually, I would say not to do your dirty deeds on a snowy day especially if you have a bike suited to the weather, as that would be--and make you--easier to identify.

I would have given all of the advice I've just listed to a 52-year-old Detroit-area man.  Whether he would have listened is another matter.  Since December, he's ridden his bike to and from a dozen burglaries in Motor City-area stores and gas stations.  He always struck very early in the morning, before those businesses opened for the day, and took cash, candy and cigarettes.

His image was captured on surveillance videos. But the police finally caught him after following tire tracks in the snow to a house--where, as it turned out, he'd stashed some of his booty, and himself.

A Robin Hood Of Public Health?

I am a terrible person:  I just laughed at the misfortune of someone else.

Actually, I was laughing about the way that person came about her misfortune, and somewhat in approval about the person who brought it to her.

What disaster befell her?  Well, she was sitting in a Honolulu bus stop Wednesday morning.  A man approached on a bicycle.  

He tried to snatch a carton of cigarettes from her hand.  She held on, but he overpowered her and snatched it away.  That caused her to fall on his bicycle and hurt her knees.

Now, given the way he robbed her--and the fact that he is 25 and she is 62--the police had reason to arrest him.  But he wasn't charged with assault or any other kind of crime against a person.  Instead, he was arrested on "suspicion of second-degree robbery."

Of course he was wrong to use force in an attempt to rob that woman.  I can't help but to wonder, though, whether things would have been different had he destroyed those cigarettes.  I mean, a cyclist taking away someone's cigarettes:  If that doesn't sound like someone promoting public health, I don't know what does.

Seriously, though, I hope that woman recovers--and doesn't smoke!