"Toys come in boxes. Real bicycles come assembled and ready to ride."
I don't remember who said that. I'm guessing it was the proprietor or a salesperson in one of the bike shops in which I worked. And I'm guessing the proprietor or salesperson was admonishing someone who brought in a department-store bicycle for assembly or who tried to assemble such a bike and made a bad thing hopeless.
I'm recalling that bit of wisdom, if not the sage who imparted it, because today is Black Friday.
For those of you who are not in the US, this day--the day after we give thanks and exchange heart-warming stories (or get into fights) with people with whom we would not sit at the same table at any other time--and give thanks for, well, whatever. This is the day on which stores--mainly the big-box variety--run "sales" on some of the worst junk imaginable, much of which will end up under Christmas trees four weeks later and in landfills four years--or even four months--later.
The boxes full of stuff meant to be assembled into bicycle-shaped objects are among the sale items I'm talking about. One of the "big-box" retailers--which, thankfully, does not have a store anywhere near me--has offered, on each of the few Black Fridays--a "freestyle BMX" bike with pegs and helmet for $49.99 and boys' and girls' 20 inch bicycles for $29.
If you're a vegan, bear with me for a moment as I use an analogy most people (Americans, anyway) will understand. It's scarcely possible to get a steak dinner, let alone a good one, for $29. Add drinks and dessert and you'd be hard-pressed to keep the tab below $50. At least, that's the case here in New York.
Now, you might be thinking that buying a cheap bike for a kid isn't such a bad idea because he or she will trash or outgrow it within a couple of years. Or you might be on a tight budget (Trust me, I understand!) and are shopping for a few kids or grandkids. I don't have kids or grandkids, but I understand the joy in seeing a kid's eyes light up on Christmas morning. (I've experienced it with my nieces and nephews as well as the children of friends, if that counts.) However, I'd think about what I'm teaching kids when I give them disposable junk.
More to the point, though, I'd be concerned about giving a kid (or anyone) something that's potentially unsafe. In bikes, as in most things, you get what you pay for (up to a point, anyway). Cheap bikes are made cheaply, from cheap materials. Now, if I were buying such a bike for a kid (which, of course, I wouldn't), I at least have some residual level of skill as a mechanic and could at least ensure the bike is properly assembled. However, not everyone who buys such a bike can make such a claim. Nor can some of the "mechanics" employed by some stores that offer assembly.
If you were to bring such a bike to a shop to be assembled, you'll pay enough for the service that it, combined with the price of the bike, will total not much less than the price of a bike shop bike. Shops don't charge what they charge out of spite or to gouge customers: Proper assembly and repair (which bikes in boxes sometimes need) takes time and therefore costs money. And a mechanic in any bike shop worthy of the name wants to take the time to do it right because the shop's reputation rides on the work done in it.
So...If you really, truly, must participate in that orgy of consumerism called Black Friday--which has been likened to the running of the bulls--don't buy a bike, especially one for a kid, in a big-box store. If you're a regular reader of this blog, I don't have to tell you that. But you might want to tell your less-informed (about bikes, anyway) friends and relatives what I've said--or pass along this post.
If you grew up in the US, you probably made "hand turkeys" for Thanksgiving. If you're still making them now, don't worry: It'll be our little secret! ;-)
Since we're grown-up cyclists (Well, most of us, anyway!), we have to make more sophisticated Thanksgiving props or decorations. In other words, we have to make them from bike parts.
For all of you messengers, hipsters and other urban rider, here's a bird made from single speed parts:
Those of you who insist that everything you ride must be NJS-compliant probably don't approve. Just indulge yourself--and us--for one day, today. After all, isn't Thanksgiving the day when it's perfectly acceptable for people to go off their diets and do all manner of things they never do at any other time?
Since, ideally, this day should be a feast for the senses, I am including this image from Ecovelo:
Happy Thanksgiving!
Of course we all know that sex sells. Not for nothing are photos that highlight velocipedic lines and curves called "bike porn".
Some parts, and some types of frames, lend themselves particularly well to hints of eroticism. The classic handlebar stem (often referred to as a "gooseneck"), crank arms come to mind for me. And, during the late 1970's and early 1980's, it seemed that every other hub was made in an hourglass shape.
It seems, though, that some people thought hubs were sexy even before that time:
Now tell me...what do you make of a poster with a fadeout of a nude model--for a hub called Mussel-man?
Hey, it gets even better. Read this morsel from the penultimate paragraph of the copy:
These beautiful broad flanged hubs appeal to all riders who like to go places and do things in Olympic fashion. Their dazzling brilliance and rugged racy lines appeal to every boy who hears the call of the open road.
A siren call? I find it interesting that the first sentence is an appeal to "all riders" but the second is to "every boy".
With Mussel-man hubs, would he get the girl? Would I?
Christmas will come exactly one month from today.
We and our bicycles must be ready for the holiday season. Now, some of you might fret that spending time on such preparations will take time away from your cycling, or vice-versa. Is there a suitable compromise?
I remember seeing a movie called "The Electric Horseman" in my youth. Starring Robert Redford and Jane Fonda, it was like a lot of other movies that came out around that time: The hero got as mad as hell and wouldn't let him--or, more precisely, his horse--take it anymore. But what was supposed to be a journey of self-discovery turned into mushy, sentimental tripe about a romance between two characters played by actors who, while they looked good together, had absolutely no chemistry.
But I digress. Not long before "The Electric Horseman" was released, the much better "Breaking Away" came to movie houses. What if someone made a movie called "The Electric Cyclist"? Would the title character look like the figure in the photo?
Before screening, the producers could have had a dinner with a platter that looks like this:
Note: Photos originally appeared on CELL Bikes.
I wonder whether he/she rides a bike:
I mean, when someone has a name like Shimano-witz, how could I not wonder?
That sign crossed my path during my ride the other day. So did this one:
At least it was no surprise. I actually rode to, and into,Cheesequake in my youth. I also hiked and camped there with the Scouts. If they could see me now...;-)
I long ago gave up trying to convince anybody who isn't from New Jersey that the park--or, at least, the name--actually exists. When I say it, they think I'm joking or hallucinating, or that it's the name of a fromagerie on the San Andreas Fault.
Maybe Shimano-witz would ride to such a place.
