Would You Buy A Bike From This Man?

 Call me a monster, if you will. There are a few people and things that make me wish abortion could be retroactive Two of them are so-called musical groups:  Chicago and Nickelback. Another is a so-called singer: Debby Boone.

Also within the realm of noise that people will listen to, and pay for the privilege, I would include most of today’s Republican Party.  As for the family of the Fake Tan Führer, I would extend my wish a couple of generations back.

Another “Exhibit A” in the case for retroactive abortion, to my mind, was Pee Wee Herman. 

Of course, not everyone felt the same way I do. Otherwise, why would there be a market for his most famous prop:  the bicycle he used in the movie “Pee Wee’d Big Adventure?”

It will be up for auction in a week, and is expected to command a price between $30,000 and $60,000. Just in case you might be interested.

By the way:  He never had any children. Someone might see that as “proof” a rumor that circulates every decade is true: Cycling causes male sterility. Maybe someone secretly installed an undetectable birth control device!

How Can They Go Wrong With A Pashley?

Before I started this blog, I thought about buying a Pashley bicycle.

Why?, you ask.  Well, I'd never had a bike quite like the "Princess" or "Guv'nor" before.  I know, they are two very different kinds of machine:  One is stately and lady-like, meant for ambling along boulevards, while the other is a "path racer", a genre of bicycle all but unknown to Americans about a decade ago.

Also, since I had two (only two!) Mercians at that time, I thought I had to "round out" my stable with another Traditional British Bike (or at least one from a traditional British maker).  Don't ask me to explain the logic of that--if indeed there is any.

The real reason, though, I wanted  a Pashley is that they're made in Stratford on Avon--the birthplace of none other than The Bard.

Well, greater minds than my own convinced me that it wasn't the best reason to buy a bike.  Pashleys might indeed be wonderful machines, but their quality has no relation to the fact that they're produced in the same place that gave us one of the greatest writers in the English language, if not the entire world.

I don't regret that I didn't buy one.  But I enjoy seeing them, mainly because we really don't see many of them here in the Big Bagel.

Now I'll have a chance to see a bunch of Pashleys--though not all at once, and not in person.  Instead, they'll be on the "Big Screen"--in the soon-to-be-released remake of Mary Poppins.

Lin-Manuel Miranda on a modified Pashley

I don't usually go to see re-makes if I've seen the original because I expect the re-make to be a disappointment. But Mary Poppins is like the perfect confection:  It's not high art, but there's nothing not to like (sort of like Grease), which means that it can't really be ruined in a re-make.  Also, the movie is set 20 years later than the original, so it has to be at least somewhat different.

Besides, this new version will feature Lin-Manuel Miranda--and those Pashleys!

This Never Would Have Happened On The Set Of "Breaking Away". Or Would It?

Well, now we know why studios employ stunt-doubles.  You know, they're those folks who do flips, get into crashes and put themselves in all manner of actual or configured peril so as not to risk scarring the pretty (and highly bankable) faces.

I mean, do you really think Hugh Jackman knows any more how to fight than I know how to fish for lobsters?  Why do you think Richard Bradshaw doubled for him in X-Men:  Days of Future Passed? Surely the fact that Bradshaw is Jackman's brother-in-law could not have been the only reason!

For every Hugh Jackman, there is at least one other actor who should have a stunt double.  I am thinking now of Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  He played a bike messenger in Premium Rush.  Although six years have passed since that movie's release, one might expect that his work in it would have prepared him for scenes in which he rides a bike for his latest flick, Power.

During the filming, which is going on as of this writing, he landed in the ER after flipping over his handlebars.

He says, "I have bad luck shooting on bikes," a reference to another mishap during the filming of Premium Rush.

B

Surely, there must be some retired mountain bike racer who could use a payday.

No Bicycles Were Harmed (At Least, Not Physically) To Make This Movie

I am going to make a confession:  I simply could not get through Fifty Shades of Grey.

I tried. I really tried.  You see, I am not at all averse to erotic fiction.  And, every once in a while, I need a mindless diversion.


It's not as if I was expecting FSG to be the next Lady Chatterley's Lover or even Histoire d'O.  But--call me a snob--I have some standards when it comes to writing.  FSG started off well below them and sank with every page I managed to read.  

How bad is it?  How can anyone, with a straight face, write or publish a novel that has both of these sentences:  "Her curiosity oozes through the phone" and "My mom is oozing contrition"?  Worse, those aren't the only passages containing some form of the verb "to ooze".  The only time someone should use any form of that word more than once is when he or she is writing about the aftermath of a volcanic eruption.

That's not even the worst offense I saw in what I managed to read.

I don't think I have to tell you I won't be seeing the movie.  

Apparently, a trailer for the flick, which is scheduled to be screened--when else?--next Valentine's Day, is on the web.  Someone named "Christine B." who has a stronger stomach than mine or is getting paid for her troubles, posted the one and only scene that might even be mildly interesting.  That's because it features the only credible character, if you will:  a bicycle.